


Life Goes On

by JohnHeckinLennon



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, Castiel Has Self-Worth Issues (Supernatural), Self-Esteem Issues, Self-Harm, Self-Harming Castiel (Supernatural), Self-Hating Castiel (Supernatural), Self-Hatred
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-29
Updated: 2020-04-29
Packaged: 2021-03-01 20:34:42
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 667
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23903185
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JohnHeckinLennon/pseuds/JohnHeckinLennon
Summary: Castiel feels alone, and he thinks he deserves it.
Comments: 1
Kudos: 57





	Life Goes On

**Author's Note:**

> TW: Feather pulling as a form of self harm

Castiel thought of himself as a bad angel. A broken angel who has sinned more than he has done good. A broken angel who has had it good for too long, and deserved to be punished.

That’s why he sat here now, picking out his own feathers. His wings were fragile, like all angels. But he didn’t care. He _deserved_ any pain he got and if someone else didn’t do it, he’d do it himself.

So he grabs and plucks feathers out, leaving patches of uneven feathers and patches of no feathers at all. 

He grabs each feather, pulling it. He doesn’t grab in bunches, that’s too fast. He deserved the pain to be ice and slow. And he deserved every bit of it because of what he’s done. After killing his brothers and sisters, he’s not sure he could ever look at himself the same anymore.

He was a freak driven on power and look where that power had gotten him.

He was alone. All alone and he deserved it. 

He doesn’t allow himself to cry as he grabs another feather, ripping it out, letting it fall to the ground. His wings bleed, almost telling him to stop mutilating them. 

He doesn’t allow himself to cry or let out his pain. If he had the option, he wouldn’t be here at all. 

He’d be vaporized off the face of the Earth if God just stopped bringing him back.

 _Why must my father punish me like this? He knows what i’ve done. He’s seen me smite many of my own kind. Why won’t he kill me himself? I have no purpose,_ He thinks.

He remembers his conversation with Dean, 

_“Dean, when I was bad and I had all those things..the..the leviathans, writhing inside me, I caused a lot of suffering on Earth, but I devastated Heaven. I vaporized thousands of my own kind. And..I can’t go back.”_

_Dean looked at him intently, a stern expression plastered on his face, his lips in a thin hard line. He stared into Castiel’s blue eyes with his brown,_

_“Cause if you do, the angels will kill you.”_

_“Because if I see what Heavens become, what I..what I made of it,” Cas sighed, “Im afraid I might kill myself.”_

_Dean looked at him, a little surprised. The thought that the angel could be capable of that, much less ponder it, shook him to his core._

_A moment later, Sam stepped in, saying he found something and Cas addressed him as if he hadn’t just held the conversation he had with Dean beforehand._

He grabbed another feather, angrily tearing it out. 

He looked at the feather fall pathetically to the ground, joining the others lying there.

He bites back his tears, not allowing himself to cry.

He looked at his broken wings, a bloody torn apart mess. They looked absolutely disgusting. 

He could almost laugh as he inspected them. 

Castiel didn’t bother to heal the wounds, and he stood up, his wings folding in on themselves. He allowed them to disappear. He picked up the feathers, burning them with his touch.

He left his room, going to the main table with the map, sitting down.

Dean turned to him, “Hey, Cas. Haven’t seen you all day, where have you been?” he asked, twisting the metal cap off of a beer.

“My room.” Cas simply replied, catching the beer bottle Dean passed to him. He popped the cap off, and took a sip.

“Did you guys go on a hunt?” Cas asked.

Dean nodded, and Castiel smiled faintly.

“Was it successful?”

Dean nodded again, and Sam entered the room, showing Dean something he found online.

It went on like this, Castiel watching on as Sam shared his findings.

They wouldn’t find out about the feathers, he made sure of that. 

For now, he acts normal and attempts to get through the day.

That’s all he really can do. 

Cause life goes on, wether he wants it to or not.


End file.
